Hymns for All Things
Jokes You Can Tell At Church
Taxi Driver |
The Pastor's Cat
More Church Bulletins
In the beginning...............
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the power of God, and His unique sense of humor
George sits down at his computer and launches the internet browser. He enters the web address, www.god.com. To his amazement, a web pages appears saying, "God.Com. Welcome George."
George clicks on the "Chat" button and a screen appears saying, "So George, what do you want to know?" George starts typing in various questions, "Are you really all powerful?" '"Is it crowded up there?" Finally George get bold and types, "What does a million years mean to you?" God responds, "A million years to you is like a second to me." George types, "What is a million dollars to you?" God responds, "A million dollars to you is like a penny to me." George get very bold and types, "God, can I borrow a penny?" God responds, "Sure, give me a second."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
The Dentist's Hymn:..............Crown Him with Many Crowns.
The Weatherman's Hymn......There Shall Be Showers of Blessings.
The Contractor's Hymn:........The Church's One Foundation.
The Tailor's Hymn:................Holy, Holy, Holy.
The Golfer's Hymn:...............There's a Green Hill Far Away.
The Politician's Hymn:..........Standing on the Promises.
The Optometrist's Hymn:.......Open My Eyes That I Might See.
The IRS Agent's Hymn:.........I Surrender All.
The Gossip's Hymn:...............Pass It On.
The Electrician's Hymn:.........Send The Light.
The Shopper's Hymn:.............Sweet By and By.
The Realtor's Hymn:........I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop.
The Massage Therapists Hymn.........He Touched Me.
The Doctor's Hymn:................The Great Physician.
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You.
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah.
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee.
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer.
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home.
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home.
-----Over 100mph..........Precious Memories.
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "So... did God throw him back?"
One day a family invited a number of neighbors over for dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The girl bowed her head and said, in an exasperated voice: "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A taxi driver died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter meats him and escorts him to a wonderful mansion on a cloud top. He has servants to attend him and the mansion is furnished well.
A priest died and also went to Heaven. At the gate, an attendant gives him directions to his quarters. Upon rounding the corner, the priest finds his little empty condo.
When the priest asks why his quarters are so less gracious, he is told, "When you preached, people went to sleep. When he drove, people prayed."
In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea," and woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good," and man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the baseball season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that the one that died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Braves victory earlier in the evening. Being that he was a big Braves fan, he died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it is me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT...
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT...
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," replied the mother.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushe! d herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. " The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100. " The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
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