Humor - Cat

The Amazing Cat Miracle Diet
Cat Commandments
Cat Diary ...
Cat Laws
"Cat-Person" Profile Quiz:
Cat - Human Translator
Cat Translation
Dear Dogs and Cats
Descriptions for Cats
Halloween Cat Myths
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
How to Bathe a Cat
How to Give A Pill to a Cat
How To Give A Cat A Pill
How to Wash a Cat
Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners
A Cat's Top TenFavorite Christmas Songs
Seven Quick Ways I Get Even with the Big Owner Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....
What is a Cat? / What is a Dog?
Where Dogs Come From

Seven Quick Ways I Get Even with the Big Owner

1. When the Big Owner gets up in the middle of the night for a midnight snack, be in his spot when he comes back to bed. Spread out. Cover as much acreage as you can. Pretend to be asleep. Chances are he won't disturb you and will go sleep on the couch.

2. When the Big Owner sleeps past feeding time, play cat hockey with items on the headboard. Loose change and watches are easy to knock onto the bed. You score one point for each 'puck' that whacks the Big Owner in the forehead.

3. When the Big Owner goes to all the trouble to change the litter in the cat box, use it right away. And be sure to toss a few grains of litter out of the box onto the floor. You don't want it looking unused for too long.

4. When the Big Owner puts down food you don't like, never touch it. Sniff it. Look at the Big Owner and then back at the food. Scratch your paw on the floor in an attempt to cover up the food. He will get the message. Then, DO NOT TOUCH THE FOOD UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING. It's quite a statement when he has to lift the old, crusted lump of lard back to the sink to run it down the disposal.

5. When the Big Owner hands out kitty treats, look for the hidden meaning. Trips to the vet or baths are usually close at hand. Never approach any treat-bearing human within their arms' reach. I make the Big Owner place the treat on the floor and wait until he backs up. Then enjoy.

6. When the Big Owner lays out his clothes on the bed each morning, make sure you sit on them while he is in his shower. Nothing is more fun than the look of the Big Owner stepping out of the shower to see your light cat hair decorating his freshly laundered black trousers.

7. If coughing up a hairball, be as dramatic as you can. The Big Owner will notice and race to get a towel (or something) to place under your chin to catch the surprise. Let him prepare all he wants. Then, at the last moment, turn your head.

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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer:

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

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What is a Cat? / What is a Dog?

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

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Descriptions for Cats

  1. Cat: A lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
  2. Cat: A four footed allergen.
  3. Cat: Small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
  4. Cat: A small, furry lap fungus.
  5. Cat: A treat-seeking missile.
  6. Cat: A wildlife control expert impersonator.
  7. Cat: One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
  8. Cat: A hair relocation expert.
  9. Cat: An unprogrammable animal.
  10. Aquarium: Interactive television for cats.
  11. Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat's life.
  12. Catatonic: A feline medicinal drink.
  13. Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.
  14. Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.
  15. Dog: A cat's device for running practice.
  16. Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
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Cat Commandments

  1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the puter.
  2. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
  3. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
  4. Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
  5. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
  6. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or act as thou art not transparent.
  7. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
  8. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
  9. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
  10. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.
  11. Thou shalt not re-set thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
  12. Thou shalt not climb on the trash can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thy self.
  13. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
  14. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 3 a.m.
  15. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at every opportunity.
  16. Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they walketh too slowly.
  17. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
  18. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
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The Amazing Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!

Most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for 4 days and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps, and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew on it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

VOILA! A NEW YOU!

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Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours. (Bumper sticker)

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A Cat's Top TenFavorite Christmas Songs

10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!

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Halloween Cat Myths

It's Halloween. Every year people start resurrecting cat myths to put the scare into little kids and older adults alike. We cats have tolerated this proliferation of 'myth-information' for many years and we do not like it. I risk 'letting the cat out of the bag,' but I must dispel some illusions.

MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light they gather during the day.
FACT: Baloney. How can we gather daylight when our eyes are closed sleeping all day?

MYTH: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is coming.
FACT: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is here. The whiskers are wet.

MYTH: If you want to keep a cat from straying, put butter on its paws.
FACT: I won't stray because you won't be here to open the door. You will be in the hospital as a result of your attempt to butter my paws.

MYTH: If a cat sneezes near a bride on her wedding day she will have a happy marriage.
FACT: 4-in-5 marriages end in divorce. Not a lot of sneezing going on, huh? Maybe they ought to rewrite that one and make it 'coughs hairballs.'

MYTH: Stepping over a cat brings bad luck.
FACT: Actually, worse luck. It exposes your most vulnerable areas just in case you miss and step on us.

MYTH: Cats suck the breath from babies.
FACT: We don't 'suck the breath.' Cats enjoy baby breath as much as humans. If you had a choice between a baby's breath and the Big Owner's breath, which would you choose?

MYTH: Cats always land on their feet.
FACT: So explain the bumps on my head.

MYTH: A cat has nine lives.
FACT: Well, okay, that one is true. I happen to have a can of it sitting right in front of me. Now, if I could only get someone to open it for me.

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Dear Dogs and Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

  1. When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
  2. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
  4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
  5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
  6. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
  7. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
  8. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
          1. They live here. You don't.
          2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
          3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
          4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
          5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results
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Cat Diary Human Translator

"HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY..."
...Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most likely the vet. Avoid it.

"I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!"
...Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.

"HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS..."
...Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison Avenue concoction. Real kitty treats are usually opportunities when no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece of meat loaf.

"YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!"
...You are about to rub noses with a human. They can never get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces. Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.

"YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!" or "YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF THE BED!"
...You picked the right spot. You are right where you should be.

"DARN CAT HAIR!"
...You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it and properly clean it up.

"STOP THAT!"
...Means you were caught. Remember exactly where you were and get back to it - once they leave the house.

"GET OUT OF HERE!"
...Do not take this personally. It's usually the first thing they say after you wake them up by sticking your backside in their face.

SNAPPING OF FINGERS:
...They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come get me. Otherwise, get a dog.

"I LOVE YOU..."
...Means just that. No translation needed here. And we love you, too.

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Cat Laws

Received from the internet.

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

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Where Dogs Come From

(From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis:)

Where Dogs Come From...

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a rat's butt one way or the other.

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Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.

My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.

My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

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Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

800

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's license.

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"Cat-Person" Profile Quiz:

Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a-holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?

--Last Christmas did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree:

***Your "Cat-ability" Score:

----1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.

----5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.

----9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

----14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!) Addicted and proud of it, I say!

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How To Bathe A Cat

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

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How To Wash The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG

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How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently. "Nice kitty." Drop pill into kitty's mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of bookcase and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow Step 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into kitty's mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist urge to get new cat.)
5. Repeat Step 1. When you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth quickly lifting the upper jaw, pop pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Pull cat down from the drapes. Remove pill from your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Repeat Step 1. Speak firmly to kitty, "Who's the boss here, anyway." Open cat's mouth and pop pill into mouth.
9. Collapse. Call your therapist/guru/best friend/favorite talk show host/suicide prevention hotline. When you are sufficiently recovered, proceed to Step 10.
10. Get large towel from linen closet. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from behind sofa and pill from potted plant, where kitty has buried it.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impluse to flatten cat)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast. Time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position in Step 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Massage kitty's throat as the pill goes down.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Bandage wounds (yours).
18. Fix stiff drink and lie down.

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How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

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Cat Translation

Phrase / Meaning

miaow = Feed me.
meeow = Pet me.
mrooww = I love you.
miioo-oo-oo = I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow = I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww = Please, the time has come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww = I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow = Play with me.
miaowmioaw = Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw = Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww = I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww = I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
roww-maww-roww = I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
mmeww = I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
gakk-ak-ak = My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow = Snuggling is a good idea.
moww = Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww! = I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
miaow! miaow! = I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
mraakk! = Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssroww! = I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
mmmmmmm = If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.

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Cat Diary ...

...

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

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