All Roads Lead to Hawaii|
How to Shower Like A Woman:
The Husband Shopping Center!!
The Independent Princess
Joining a Church
Joys of Womanhood
Men & Women|
The Perfect Man
The Secrets of Women's Language
To Be 6 Again!
A Two Year Marriage Degree
What is a Cat? / What is a Dog?
Why Women Love Men
Women - A Chemical Analysis
Women are Clever
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after. Benjamin Franklin.
My marriage made me miss my dog. Ken Larson
Not only must a man be perfect, but he had better accept his woman's many faults. Ken Larson
Inside every married person, is a single person trying to get out. Ken Larson
I saw a t-shirt the other day. Writing on the shirt said, "Most of my money was spent on wine and women. The rest I just wasted."
A woman who says something can't be done, should stay out of the way of a man who is doing it Ken Larson
At the Olympics, the US Women's team won the first Gold given for Women's Hockey. Women's hockey is just as violent as Men's Hockey. Proving, American women are the most violent in the world! Ken Larson
There need not be a civil penalty for bigamy. Any man with two wives will receive punishment enough at home.
I never knew what happiness was till I got married, and now it's too late.
A man isn't complete until he's married, then he's finished.
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.
Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.
Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.
The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.
How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.
They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.
Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.
They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.
They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.
How awestruck they are in the face of a homemade cookie.
How great their hands look holding ours.
Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.
Their ignorance is usually amusing.
They have a great sense of competition.
They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added)
Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.
They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.
They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.
They can be taught.
They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Keywords and their meanings:
"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(Loud Sigh): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
(Soft Sigh): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells "BITCH!!"
They continue on their way and, as the man rounds the next curve, he is killed when he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
A man ran into an old friend. The friend had been a man, but had since had a sex change. The first man said to the man/woman, "Well, you look great, but tell me, what was it like to undergo the procedure?"
The man/woman said, "Well, there was a lot of cutting off parts and sewing on new parts, and that hurt. Then there were the hormone shots which didn't feel good either. And it wasn't easy getting used to high heals. But the worst part was when they drilled a hole in the back of my head and sucked out my brain."
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage -- under the assumption that men should be trained for marriage...
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University of Marriage that many of you should be interested in. That's right, in just six semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 3 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
(See Electives Below)
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me?
What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in, and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "I said a RICH doctor!"
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine & a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Whom you can trust, whom you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
A man walking along a California beach was deepin prayer.of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify you desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
Women - a chemical Analysis
Element - Woman
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118, but know to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from Virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
1. Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn housecoat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it.
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"Well," says the guy, "We all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would."
"Hmm," says the wife. "Well, would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it," says the guy, "so I guess she would."
"Would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed," says the guy, "so I guess she would.
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not," says the guy. "She's a lefty."
I stopped at a friend's shop the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah... 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.
He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
A man asks his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be six again, she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme Park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, Everything there was!
WOW! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling, her stomach upside down. Right to McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened , "You idiot, I meant my dress size!!"
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong..........
Wifes point sysytem....
You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.............................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10
Husbands point system....
You remember his birthday................................0
You buy a card and beer...............................0
You take him out to dinner.............................. 0
You take him out to dinner and it's a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is not a sports bar.............................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................+3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and yourface is painted the colors of his favorite team........+10
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40
You don't hear a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You don't hear a suspicious noise and it is nothing........ 0
You don't hear a suspicious noise and it is something..........-5
You hear a suspicious noise and ask him to check it out......-10
It's your cat.................................................-40
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
you take her to a movie...............+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HIM
You take him to a movie...............0
You take him to a movie he likes.....+2
You take him to a movie you hate......+4
You take him to a movie you like......-4
It's called Death Cop 3...............+2
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....+5
You lied and said it was about Cyborgs but was really a foreign film about orphans.....-15
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned statement....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes........................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do"...........................-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200
When you want to talk about a problem:You say as little as possible....................0
You talk for over 30 minutes........................-5
You relate to his problem and share a similar experience........-10
You're mind wanders to your friend's problems and you suddenly hear him saying"well, what do you want me to do about it?"...........................-50
You talk for more than 30 minutes without saying anything new..-100
He realizes this is because you have other friends with problems.......-200
On their wedding night, John took off his pants and tossed them to Mary saying, "Put these on."
Mary said, "I can't where the pants."
John said, "As long as you remember that, we will have a great marriage."
Mary thought a minute and took off her pants and tossed them to John saying,"Put these on."
John responded, "I can't get into your pants."
Mary said, "And you won't get into my pants until you learn to treat me as an equal!"
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Goodbye."
Once upon a time, in a land far away,a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess met up with a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother living with us and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: ... (tag line)
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
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